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Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2005-11-19 - 1:01 a.m.
Getting fed up
We now return you to "You don't want to deal with this shit" theater. Fuck. How many people live in and around the city of New York? Millions. I have two friends. Two. That's not even counting on fingers, people. That's counting on fists. And fuck if I know what to do about it. People in my Friday class bitch and moan about not getting enough sleep the night before because they went out on Thursday night. I didn't get enough sleep, either. Why? Because I was reading. Alone. In my room. Yeah, yeah. I know. Don't sit alone in your room, there's life out there to be lived, blah, blah, blah. Fuck if I'm gonna wander the streets by myself, though. Nobody's inviting me out (story of my life), and I dont know what's out there to invite people to. Or who to invite. And I'm trying. Fuck, I'm trying. I have one friend on campus (counting on my skull, now). We have that Friday class together. It runs from 8:30 to... noonish. I think it officially ends at 12:20, but we leave when we're done the work, which is anywhere from 11 til the next class kicks us out. Doesn't matter; "noonish" works for these purposes. So we get lunch after class. And it's fun. Sometimes we shop, sometimes we just chill, sometimes we part ways early on because we both have a shitload of work. Whatever. It's fun. But, you know. One person. That's just not fair. It's not fair to her, because if I need something I have nowhere else to go. It's not fair to me, because when she's busy, I'm screwed. Plus, why limit myself? So I'm trying to branch out a little, extend the olive branch So my class had a field trip last week, so the whole class pretty much ate together. And this one guy was getting along pretty well with us. And he's a nice guy. So I figured, what the hell, I'll invite him along to lunch this week. And he agreed, so it was cool. Except, not. Conversations kept veering off into pairs that completely alienated the third person. When I was part of the pair, I tried my best to include the third, and in the process boring the hell out of the other part of the pair. My friend said I was trying too hard, which, maybe, but it was the only thing I could think to do other than, you know, nothing. And doing nothing is how I got in this fucking position to begin with. What the fuck am I supposed to do? No matter what I do, it's wrong. I mean, come on, world. You've only been telling me for 22-odd years that nothing I do will ever be good enough. Think you could maybe lay the fuck off and let me try to enjoy my life, pathetic and pointless as it it? I mean, fuck, am I really so bad that I don't deserve human companionship? Because I don't know what else to do, other than fucking walk the streets alone at night. And I don't have the body for that way of life.
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