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Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2004-07-07 - 7:39 p.m.
Want
This entry would make my dog go nuts. Yous see, she gets all excited when you say the word "Want". There's a very good reason for this. When she's about to get a walk, we say "Do you want to go for a walk?" Before we put her out, it's "Do you want to go out?" Food: "Do you want your breakfast/dinner/a treat/ [questioner's] plate?" (She licks dirty plates before they go in the dishwasher... beats scraping them). And so on. I'll be using the word "want" a lot for the next several paragraphs. Because I think I have a good hypothesis for what my mom wants from me. The first part is simple. She wants me to get a good education, get a good job where I can support myself and still write, and when I'm good and ready (and not a day before), get married and start a family. That's great, because it's exactly what I plan to do. Here's where it gets tricky. I don't think she wants me to want to do it like that. I think she wants me to be like her, instead, so that she can tell me I'm wrong, and this other path is right. Too bad I've already figured that out and decided I'd be miserable doing what she did. She dated my dad from age 15 to almost-20, when she married him -- and left college. She became a stay-at-home mom when she had me. My brother is 18 and headed for college this fall. She's *still* a stay-at-home mom. She has few outside friends. She expects us to pitch in around the house, then gets mad when we do it wrong and does it herself, then gets resentful that everyone leaves the shit work to her. I respect everything she does, but I'd hate every second of it, and resent my kids for making me do it. Hmm. Possible motivation on her part? Maybe. But I'd rather she work outside the home. Which, then, can be misinterpreted as a lack of gratitude. I can't win. Well, what's nice -- if my hypothesis is correct -- is that she wants me to do what I plan on doing. Yay. What sucks is, it means what I want doesn't matter -- because while I'm supposed to follow this path... ...I'm not supposed to want to. She got snotty when I asked her about how our insurance would cover a physical at the campus health center -- since I need a physical to renew my learner's permit and thus get my liscense. Finally. Then, she mentioned some of her other friends who got married while in college. I asked if that was more common then than it is now, because while I know a lot of girls myage whoare engaged, most wait til they graduate -- and a lot of people are dubious about even then. She said it depends on the person. Fair enough. I pointed out that I, for one, don't want to think about it seriously until I have a degree and a job. You'd think a mother would be glad to hear that, but no. She snaps, "Yeah, well you weren't out on the streets since you were 12." Initial repsonse: "Neither were you! What the hell?" Of course, I didn't say that. Secondary response: "I also haven't been dating the same guy since I was 15." But rather, since I was only slightly younger than she was when she married. Didn't say that either, of course. Actual response? "Very true." Yeah, I'm brave. Well, what do you want from me?
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