|
Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2004-06-09 - 9:24 p.m.
Welcome to my precipice
You know what would be nice? You know what would be *really nice*? If people actually told me shit. If people who were planning to call or hang out could tell me *when*, exactly, their previous engagements (which I understand are more important than me) are, so that I can work my schedule out around them, instead of just expecting things to go the way I was told and getting upset when I'm screwed over. If people could mention to me when something doesn't work, instead of getting all pissy when I expect it to. If people could stop treating me like an idiot because, God forbid, I don't know every player on the Yankees, the exact effects of steroids on the human muscular system, the grade requirements of an internship I never intended to take, the exact relation the US has with France, and the real difference between an ale and a lager. If people could stop treating me like I'm gonna be fucking homeless becuase I choose to be a well-rounded individual instead of an automaton whose job will be outsourced by the time I'm out of college anyway. If I could be right once, just once, and have someone else accept it the way I try to do when I'm wrong -- which, apparently, is constantly. If anyone could understand that isolation is hell for someone who thrives on communication, instead of blowing me off with "I'm sorry, your life sucks, I wish I had your problems." You want 'em? Fine. Unplug your telephone. Turn off your TV. Stay the hell away from your computer. If you want a challange, unplug your clocks and break your watch. Don't pick up any of your books (you've already read them all numerous times, after all). If you're good, you can arrange it so no one knocks on your door. You can't avoid human contact altogether, I know, but don't talk to anyone who might actually give a shit about whether you live or die, fail or succeed -- or are happy or miserable. Don't give yourself access to any proof that you are, have ever been, or ever will be a success. Surround yourself with the accomplishments of others, preferably the kinds of accomplishments you will never come close to matching. Make sure that everything you do, especially the stuff that is important to you, goes wrong in at least one small but crucial way. Let down the few people how care about you. Make sure they really count on you, then fail to pull through. If you do it right, you might start to doubt that they care about you at all, or convince yourself that you're such a screw up that they'll stop caring. Watch your hope die a little every day. Lose the will to write. Lose the will to live. You have all that? Ok, now here's the kicker. If you can do this, you'll get it. Have everything be ok. Finally convince yourself that it will never be this bad again. Write some. Regain hope. Then have a day, just one is enough, where it all happens again. If I was stronger, I wouldn't be this fucked up. If I was weaker, I'd be dead. Welcome to my precipice.
<-- Some answers may be found in the past.
Some questions have yet to be asked. -->
| 
