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Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2004-04-30 - 10:54 p.m.
the future is bleak
How the hell do I manage to fuck my life up without even noticing?
I have a really good shot at getting this internship. The interview went over great.
The pay is shit and it'll take up three days a week at most.
That means I'm going back to Target.
At the interview, I was told I probably don't need to go to grad school to get into the business.
That means:
I have to take any job I can get after college (or JVC).
I may have to work at fucking Target to pay the bills and get insurance.
I'll have to live at home to save money.
I'll be stuck under my parents' rule forever and never get out of this city.
OR
I follow my bf to whatever town he goes to for law school.
If we break up, I'm stuck there.
If we last, he's stuck there because I'll have a job.
OR
I get the best damn job I can find, screw paying rent or making my relationship last.
I go through 3 years of the hell this last semester's been.
I stand a good chance of marrying someone I see 6 times over the course of 3 years. Not cool.
I talked to the BF about these options. To the point of keeping him up late. In other words, I just screwed him over. He needs to study. He's going to law school, so him studying is more important. Where he goes for law school is 100% independent of what I do after I graduate. Whatever I do (God knows) is at the very least slightly, quite possibly entirely, dependent on where he ends up going.
You see why I don't like that?
And him studying could get him somewhere good. Me being happy, depressed, or terrified isn't going to change a thing for me, so it certainly won't change anything for him.
I can't believe I did that to him. I always do that. He's having this great time in Spain and all I can talk about are my stupid fucking problems.
And it's hurting him.
I wonder if I deserve to be happy. I mean, I'm just too selfish. Maybe if I were the kind of girl who could vapidly go wherever her man went, I'd be happy. "I've got my man, who could ask for anything more?" as the song says.
But damn it, I want a career. I want a life. I want to be me, not just "their kid" or "his wife".
Fuck it.
Later...
You know what? It doesn't get any better than this.
Alone, watching people with their friends, making out with their significant others, loving music you don't know, while you eat cold pizza (and btw, you have lactose issues...), drink warm coke, and know that at least half of the people around you are on some substance or other (that's a conservative estimate, and I think a pretty generous one...)
You missed everything that was going on so you could talk to someone you love, not bad... until you wreck both your evenings.
Fuck
This is as good as it gets.
You know, I wonder if you have to be mindless to be happy. I wonder, if I had the choice, be creative and intelligent, or be happy, if I would have the balls to take the gifts I have right now.
Look at me. Wishing to become everything I hate -- selfish, vapid, indifferent, shallow -- because people who are somehow manage to be *happy*. And this is as good as it gets. Being alone and terrified is as good as it fucking gets.
What the hell?
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