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Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2004-03-27 - 1:44 p.m.
A cry for help.
You should be so lucky. This is for all the people who -- I don't even know how to describe it. If you're wondering if it's you, well, if part applies, then that part is you. I understand my small victories, few and far between as they are, aren't as important as yours. I understand my advice isn't what you want to hear. I understand real life is more important than me. I certainly don't blame you for that. I understand that you want me to have hope, that you don't beleieve the way I do that every time I get my hopes up, something goes wrong. I understand you don't plan for things to go wrong, they just do. And I understand you're sick and tired of my whining about it. But do you get the part where I don't want to get out of bed, I can't think of a good reason to, and no one's stepping up and offering? Do you get the part where I need to cry and be comforted, but nothing is objectively wrong enough to be worth crying over, and no one has the time or means to give me a damned hug? Do you get the part where even when I'm right, I'm wrong? Do you get the part where I know I'm not good enough, and as much as you try to convice me that's not true, I always end up pissing you off and letting you down? Anyone else might say, "Fuck it, we'd all be better off," but I'm not that good a person. On some level, I feel that if I have to be miserable, then I'm bringing you down with me. And if I take myself out of the gene pool, you win. Just once, I want to win. Besides, as much as hope has been letting me down, there's always the chance that, someday, I *will* be good enough. Corpses aren't good enough. So fuck what might be best for everyone, fuck doing what's easy. Ha. Did you know antidepressants now have suicide as a potential side effect? So I don't even have drugs to look forward to if this gets worse. Why does my GPA have to be more important than my education? And can I get a little credit for the money I'm saving with my second full scholarship in a row? Why so you have the time to ask for my help, fight with me over my help, tell me why my advice is bad advice... but not to tell me what you want from me or give me some advice, too? Why am I always at fault for reacting, but no one is ever at fault for provoking? When I provoke, it's my fault. Why don't I ever feel special? Is it because I'm not, because I don't deserve to be? I don't have the energy to hate. I'm not sure I have the energy to cry. I had a dream last night where someone ruined my good coat, so I told them off... she got her friends together, and they would have kicked my ass, but I talked my way out of it. That would never happen in real life. I'd be a corpse with a ruined coat. And maybe that'd be for the best, maybe I'd stop hurting, and you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, and we'd all win. But if we all win, then I win. And I don't get to win. So that won't be happening. You told me to tell you if things got this bad. Well, here they are. Now, I just need the energy to get out of this damn chair and go back to bed.
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