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Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2004-01-24 - 11:18 p.m.
On my own
It's happening. It wasn't supposed to, right? Once everyone scattered, I was supposed to relized that things aren't as bad as I'd feared and start looking forward to people coming back. But things feel like they *are* as bad as I feared. I'm hearing all these great stories, of Madrid, Rome, London, DC, even a club right here in town that I can't get into since I'm under 21! And here I am, stuck in my room on a Saturday night, no car to take me anywhere, too cold to walk (it's 14 degrees out!), and no one to hang with even if I had something to do. And I hear these stories and I respond, but with what? Who really cares about which priest said Mass this weekend, or which professor forgot to turn in my paperwork? I don't even care, so why should anyone else? I'm so jealous, and I feel horrible about that. I should be happy for them, but I'm miserable. I have no right to be miserable! I'm constantly on the go during the week, especially once all the activities start up. I'm busy doing what I love, and being at least competant at it. But then the weekend rolls around, and while everyone else is out living life, I'm stuck in my room, alone. I'm going to be the same person in May that I was in December. And while that may be all comforting and crap for the people who are coming back to it, I know that their experiences will be changing ones, and how do I deal with that? What can I offer to people who literally have the world? And I'm trying to talk to people online, keep my mind occupied, you know? But when I try, people keep having plans and leaving. You don't want to read this, I know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself, as usual, and I have no right to feel sorry for myself. Life is too good for that. But am I living? Or just existing? And if I'm just existing, how can I compete with anyone who's lived? What can I even offer to anyone who's lived? I need something, or I'll keep on being alone. Because why would anyone want to spend time with someone who has nothing to offer and just sits around, doing nothing and feeling sorry for herself? They wouldn't. Making me screwed. As always, I could use the answers.
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Some questions have yet to be asked. -->
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