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Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2004-01-11 - 9:12 p.m.
Attention, Target Guests!
Ok, this is going to be a list I plan to update from time to time. It is a list of things Target customers (and other users of retail) should know.
EDIT: We have reached 82 helpful hints for various consumers! Special thanks to all the Sluggites and select few AIM-buddies who continue to contribute, but come on, d-landers! I know people are reading this, and I know people have stories and rants! What better place for them than the internet! #1, and most important -- It's not my fault if you're stupid or lazy. Feel free to ask me questions, but try to use common sense first, and don't blame me if you don't like the offical answer I *have* to give you. #2 -- How am I doing? "Oh, real good, thanks, and you?" Translation: I have a massive sinus headache, my period started today and is on heavy, I'm an hour overdue for my break, the last ten people in my line have a combined IQ of 27, and I think my supervisor hates me. Oh, and I have that stupid Outkast song stuck in my head, but for that I blame Pete Abrams. How are you? Answer carefully. #3 -- Your clothes will not drag on the conveyor belt. They will move at the exact same speed as the conveyor belt, same as the boxes you just put down. If you're that worried, put your clothes on top of one of said boxes... but I bet my belt is cleaner than your box. #4 -- The restrooms are right next to the big sign hanging from the ceiling that says "RESTROOMS". The fitting rooms are right next to the big sign hanging from the ceiling that says "FITTING ROOMS". And so on. Learn to read, and look up. It'll save us both a lot of aggravation. #5 -- You passed the soap four times trying to find me to ask me where the soap is. Be observant. #6 -- There are price scanners all over the place. There are Team Members in every department. By the time you get in my line, you really have no excuse for not knowing how much something costs. #7 -- Read the ad. See where it says "All white bookcases"? Yeah, your oak bookcase doesn't count. I don't care that the only difference is the color, it's just not on sale. #8 -- And while we're on the topic of color, I'm not checking your credit card signature because you're black. I'm checking it because they make me. If I was practicing racial profiling, I'd be harder on white people than anyone -- they try more often than anyone to pull one over on me. #9 -- You didn't sign your credit card because you're afraid of your identity being stolen. Ok, fine. Let's just ignore the fact that your card specifically says "Void unless signed". Guess what? You know what's even easier than forging your signature? Signing your unsigned card in their own handwriting! If you're that concerned, write "Please see ID" on the blank. #10 -- And if you do that, please have the ID handy. It's not my fault you wrote that. I'm just doing what you told me. #11 -- I don't care if everyone else lets you use your wife's/father's/sister's/neighbor's/the guy whose wallet you stole's credit card. I don't. Store policy, and mine, since I dont want to get fired, is if the person whose name is on the card isn't here to sign it, the card doesn't get used. ID won't help you -- I beleive you're you, I just don't beleive you're the peron who owns that card. Calling home won't help you -- anyone with a voice can pretend to be the card owner. Suck it up and use your own damn card. #12 -- Go ahead, tell me the policy is despicable and you won't be coming back. You don't have to be here. I do. You tell me you won't be back tomorrow, and you know what? I envy you. #13 -- So when you have a really long item, like those bookcases we were talking about earlier, and it takes up my whole belt, you may have to stack some stuff -- like those clothes we were talking about earlier -- on top. I have no problem with that. My problem is, I have short arms. I'm less than 5'2", with proportionate limbs. If you're going to stack stuff, stack it where I can reach it. Think about this. You have a big item near me that I can't move because there's a ton of stuff on top of it, and a ton of stuff I can't reach because there's a big item under it blocking the motion sensor, keeping the belt from moving forward. Throw me a bone here, since I'm paid to be your bitch.
#14 -- There is no escalator. Why? Becuase there is only one floor. Why? Because there isn't a store in the entire strip with more than one floor. Why? Because we're in the middle of nowhere and we'd go bankrupt if we had two floors worth of stock you moron! (Thanks to anaea at Sluggy.Net)
#15 -- Here's a thing: Supervise your kids. I am paid to stand here for hours and deal with rude customers, not babysit the ill-behaved offspring that you couldn't keep track of for two minutes. (Thanks to Poing at Sluggy.net)
#16 -- I don't need to know about your STDs.
#17 -- And what's with bringing along hordes of screaming kids, and simultaneously shouting at them and rewarding them by caving in and giving them the stuff they're grabbing because it's "easier"? (#16 and 17 thanks to Wireball at Sluggy.Net)
#18 -- Before you freak out about your child missing, check the toys and the video games. You have every right to worry in this day and age, but 9 times out of 10 the kid's off in toys, and half of the rest of the time, the kid's in video games. We find most "missing" children within about 2 minutes because that's where we look first. Still, feel free to report the kid missing. We alert security and secure the exits.
#19 -- Express means 12 items or less. My four-year-old neice can apparantly count better than you.
#20 -- 60 different-flavored cans of cat food does not count as one item. (#19 and 20 thanks to pk2317 at Sluggy.net)
#21 -- 60 different-flavored cans of cat food can't even be processed as 60x one scan. I can't scan one sweatshirt three times if they are all different colors or sizes, even if they're the same style. You can't give back your Cherry Coke for a Diet Coke. They all have different bar codes, and ringing up your purchases also takes them off our inventory. You don't want to mess up our inventory, do you?
#22 -- Telling me how much something costs won't help me find the bar code. Thanks anyway.
#23 -- The self-scan machines are not that hard. Again, I refer you to the four-year-old neice, who can operate them with no difficulty whatsoever. Shut your mouth, look at what it says on the screen, and listen to the extremely polite machine voice that will literally walk you step-by-step through the whole order. (Thanks to pk2317 at Sluggy.Net)
#24 -- The same goes for the credit card machines. They are incredibly easy to use if you read the directions. Please do so. I don't really care if the one at the Acme is completely different.
#25 -- By the way, we got those machines six months ago. So no, These aren't brand new. And I saw you here last week, so you know this.
#26 -- The self-scan machines use a system in which the tray you set your groceries down on is a scale. It checks each item against what it "should" weigh to make sure you're not stealing stuff. Yes, people do try and steal stuff. Now this scale has to be sensitive enough to detect a greeting card. That's about a tenth of a pound. So when I ask you to please stop your idot child from jumping up and down on the scale, I have a reason!!! I'm not doing it just to piss you off. Although if I recognize you in the future, I probably will.
#27 -- The banks require us to have certain information on a check before we can accept it. One of these, surprise surprise, is the correct date. If I politely ask you to change it, don't get pissed off at me. You made the mistake, and I can't take it like that.
#28 -- No, I can't accept a return on that book. That place where you read books, and then exchange them once you're finished is called a library. Check it out sometime.
#29 -- No, I can't accept a return on that computer game you decided you didn't like (after opening it and, as far as I know, making copies of the disc). Same with that CD. Or DVD. If you don't want it, don't open the packaging.
#30 -- If you have a defective disc, I will allow you to exchange it for a new one. And yes, I will remove the packaging before I give it to you. I wasn't born yesterday, I know that if I just hand you the new one you'll try and return it for money. (#26-30 thanks to pk2317 at Sluggy.net)
#31 -- Keep your receipt until you're sure you're keeping it. Give Gift Receipts when possible. It makes everyone's life so much easier.
#32 -- I'm sure you are 21, but unfortunately federal law requires us to check all ID if you look under 27. And my store's policy says if you look under 40. So take it as a compliment, you look much younger than you are. I'd rather you be unhappy because you can't buy your alchohol than sell it to a minor and pay $5,000 plus 6 months in jail. And my company is gonna back me up on that.
#33 -- We're out of stock on that item. I'm sorry you waited until Christmas Eve to try and buy the hottest toy of the season, but there's not a lot I can do about it. No, we don't have any more in the back. I know this because I've already checked. Twice. In the last hour. Go away.
#34 -- If I have to drag that heavy ladder all the way across the store to get your toy off the top shelf, you had **** well better be buying it.
#35 -- Go ahead and ask to speak with my manager. I can guarantee he'll say the exact thing, but he has the authority to remove you from the store when you start screaming at him. Which I would very much like to see, so yes, I'll go get him and be right back.
#36 -- When you promise me that you'll never step foot in this store again, you'll have to excuse my laughter. Which you will hear again when I see you next week.
#37 -- I don't care how many thousands of dollars you've spent at this store. If you've really spent so much time here, I would expect you to know our policies a little better. The one you're trying to skirt has been around longer than I've been alive.
#38 -- That parking space is reserved for the cart corral. That's why there's a nice yellow line across it to prevent you from parking there. Your car and my carts cannot both occupy the same space at the same time. I don't bear any responsibility for damage inflicted on your car by the carts. I personally find it very funny to line up the carts next to your car, blocking the doors. You do the math.
#39 -- We have nice cart corrals set up no more than 50 feet from any location on the parking lot. Please do us the favor of expending a tiny amount of effort and pushing the cart those 10 feet rather than leaving it between the cars. Yes, I know it's cold out here. I know it very well, since I've been out here for the past 7 hours. Don't tell me about cold. Unless you are infirm, you have no excuse.
#40 -- The carts are not your personal trash can. Or your diaper bag. (#32-40 thanks to pk2317 at Sluggy.net)
#41 -- No, I don't care if you just made a deposit yesterday, I still need to run the check through the scanner to see if I can accept it.
#42 -- I don't care if you are married/living together/screw buddies, if your name is not on the check, you can't sign it and I can't take it.
#43 -- If I see you driving a new sport car and wearing enough 'bling-bling' to blind someone, that food stamp card you use had better be for your widowed, blind, crippled, and bedridden grandmother.
#44 -- It may be legally possible to purchase soda and candy bars with a food stamp card, just don't feel insulted if I decided I want one too. After all, it's my taxes that are paying for your junk food.
#45 -- If you have one bag of groceries, please take it out yourself. Yes, we have bag boys to do it, but come one people one bag won't kill you.
#46 -- You know the sign that says "Employees Only"? We mean that, so get out of here. I'm on break.
#47 -- If you recognize me as a store employee shopping on my day off, don't get the manager if I am rude to you. I am not clocked in, so I can say anything I please and he won't be able to do a thing about it. He probably won't care anyway so just go back to doing whatever it is you do and leave me alone. (#41-47 thanks to daladus at Sluggy.net)
#48 -- Techincally, I'm not even allowed to help you when I'm off the clock, so if I'm shopping or on break, and I politely inform you of this, please find someone who's actually being paid right now to do this job.
#49 -- I know it only says shirt and shoes required, but pants are assumed so please go put some on.
(You think I'm joking......)
#50 -- Just because we have little 'kiddy carts' for the children to push does not mean they have permission to run screaming through the store, or that you should actually use those carts to hold gorceries. For the love of god, they are thin plastic, so yes they are going to break if you try to put three gallons of milk in them.
#52 -- I don't get paid enough to smile.
#53 -- I don't get paid enough to care either.
#54 -- When I asked "How are you?" it was because my manager told me I had to, I really don't want to hear about how your spouse is cheating on you/your kid is a royal screw up(believe me, if you brought them with you I already know this)/or that your boss is a jerk and you are underpaid(join the club). I really don't care.
#55 -- When we say we don't have anything, that doesn't mean we have a secret stash in the back and we are just hoarding is all for ourselves. I promise.
#56 -- I don't care if Grocery Plus has this on sale for $.99, you came here so either you pay $1.50 for it or go to the other store.
#57 -- Also, I don't care if we have the Super Saver brand on sale, you can't get Kraft/General Mills/insert other name brands here for the same price. It't not on sale, so stop trying.
#58 -- The fruit and vegetable are on display, please check for freshness before you buy them and save us all time.
#59 -- If I tell your kid to stop running, don't yell at me because you are a bad parent. I really don't care if your kid busts his face open, I just don't want to have to mop up the blood. (#49-59 thanks to daladus
at Sluggy.net)
#60 -- At the movies... That huge sign and ad on screen telling you to turn off your phone, guess what it means...? Same goes for the one about speaking.
#61 -- It's not too much effort to take your rubbish to the guy at the back holding a bin liner (honestly the kids are more tidy than the adults).
#62 -- No, you can't take your skate board into the theater.
#63 -- I don't care if you say you booked for this show, your ticket says tomorrow.
#64 -- Please, I only take your tickets and clean up your crap, take it up with the manager. (#60-64 thanks to blondegoth at Sluggy.net)
#65 -- At the movies:
Turn off Cell Phones and pagers also includes GAME BOYS!
#66 -- While Driving:
There is a REASON Cell phone operation is illegal in most states. If you must use your phone while in motion, please slow down, and move to the left lane. Nothing, and i mean NOTHING, drives me more insane than an idiot driver on a cell phone, checking his/her hair while going 50 in the express lane.
#67 -- In a Bar:
The bartender is NOT there just for your amusement and to feed you drinks all night. He has a lot of other people to take care of. You may be here to try to get a date, I am here trying to get drunk, Thankyouverymuch, and you hogging all the bartender's time is counterproductive to my goals!
#68 -- While on a tech support call:
When i call you back to work on your problem, you'd damn well better be ready to work with me. Do NOT hand me off to your technopeasant coworker who knows nothing about your problem while you go for a cup of coffee. And when returning from said cup of coffee do not DARE to act suprised when the problem is not resolved and I am agitated.
#69 -- While shopping:
If your brat brings you a toy, or a ball, or a frying pan, don't make an effort to put it back where it belongs, no! Just drop it where you are! There are hundreds of people who are paid just to clean up after you!
#70 -- No, don't put the shopping cart you just unloaded from away, don't even put it in the center of the parking aisle, no! Put it right behind my car so when I back out of the space, I hear this nice crunching sound.
#71 -- When leaving the Stop&Shop parking lot, please please fly along the aisles at mach2... Don't mind me as i try to see around the Escalade on my right and Expedition on my left as I try to back out of my space.
#72 -- Also, Your Expedition is three times the size of my Civic. If I slam on my brakes in an emergency while you're less than ten feet from my bumper, you're not stopping until your back tires reach my engine block. Vehicular manslaughter looks real good on a job application. (#65-72 thanks to gregnier at Sluggy.net)
#73 -- This is for a tourist who goes to another state in the union. When you go to a Mexican restaurant, and you obviously need to use the restroom, and a Hispanic employee does not wait for you to translate the afore mentioned question into spanish, the correct response is thank you followed by a quick dash. The correct response IS NOT to become angry at the employee or to laugh in his face. Further, do not wait for an apology from the employee for knowing English. (thanks to pomfelo at Sluggy.net)
#74 -- On bathrooms: Yes, the bathrooms are locked. No, tapping random numbers on the keypad is not going to get it to open for you. If you want the bathroom door open you ask the clerk to open it for you before walking up. It should not be a surprise that a bathroom door with a keypad on it is locked.
#75 -- Dressing rooms are not bathrooms. While the signs may be somewhat difficult to read, if a clerk asks you to wait it's for a reason. don't be a moron and keep walking as though you didn't hear them. And yes, the doors are labeled with male/female signs, that should be a dead giveaway as to them being a bathroom . (#74-75 thanks to paradoxboy at Sluggy.net)
#76 -- When returning videos: when trying to avoid late fees, don't try to give me useless details that i can't verify ("I brought that back at 7:35 a.m. last Monday. I made sure to bring it back early because it looked a little like rain, and I had to get out early to make an appointment at my dermatologist.") Give me a signed note from the dermatologist and I'll be impressed.(thanks to PaRadish5)
#77 -- Where do the baskets go? AWAY. As in, where you got them from. Or, failing that, not on my conveyor belt!
#78 -- Rule of thumb: Trash cans are full of trash. Hanger binds are full of hangers. Trash, as a rule, does not go in thte hanger bin.
#79 -- I only have limited counter space. If you don't start putting stuff back into your cart, I'll be forced to stack bags on top of other bags. When I stack, things tend to fall. When glass things fall, they tend to break.
#80 -- It's nice that you folded your purchases the way you like them folded. But if I can't get to the tags, I have to look for them, which means unfolding. This means you wasted your time.
#81 -- Nitpicking just eats time. Then, not only are you stuck here longer, but my productivity rating drops, too.
#82 -- I know there's a 50% chance you're lying when you say you already have a Target Visa. I also know there's about an 80% chance your Louis Vuitton handbag is fake. Seriously.
Well, that's enough for now. If you have any to add, oh wise veterans of retail, feel free to contact me. Credit will be given where it's due.
<-- Some answers may be found in the past.
Some questions have yet to be asked. -->
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