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Read this if you're new (or bored...).
2006-01-08 - 4:38 p.m.
Conundrum
So I've been kind of insecure these last few days, feeling horribly unattractive. And someone told me I have to make a choice: either I make more of an effort with my appearance, or I make more of an effort to not care. Makes sense, but to me, making an effort with my appearance means wasting so much time with things like eyeliner (which I still can't do) and blowdriers (which I don't have any patience for). It means freezing my ass off because baggy sweatshirts, though warm and comfortable, are ugly. It means my feet constantly hurting, because my chunky, beat-up sneakers are ugly. I should, instead, wear, I don't know, halter tops and strappy sandals. It's ok if I cold -- boys like perky nipples! Ugh. But the alternative? You know who's paid any attention to me? One pervert who tried to molest me, and a small handfull of little old men who like my hat. I know I should choose to not care, but if you know me, you know that this is easily more monumental, and painful, than stabbing myself in the eye with an eye pencil every morning for the rest of my life. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't be so shallow, and petty, and time-wasting. I shouldn't want the attention of other men. I shouldn't even dream of letting aesthetics come before function. I want to be warm? I'm wearing a heavy coat. A giant, puffy, red coat that I just *know* everyone is judging. Because people judge. It's what they do. And if I was judged favorably, maybe I wouldn't be so lonely most of the time. I'm too old for petty middle-school bullshit. But I'm also too old to become a cheerleader, so if its true that life is like junior high, I'm going to die fucked. And not in the "Ooh, the head cheerleader's a whore" way, either. I got to class in jeans, a sweater, sneakers, and a sweatshirt on top if I'm cold. No makeup. Hair in a ponytail. It's warm. It's comfortable. It's what one wears to class assuming one is there to learn. I'm the only female who dresses this way. Excuse me if I don;t want to pay $300 dollars for boots that make my feet want to die. And sure, I talk about my boyfriend at times, and that could kill any positive notice I might otherwise attract, but you know what? I don't have any other stories! You need *friends* and *experiences* to have stories. And beleive me, I know that no one wants to hear about undergrad and retail. But when everyone's talking about the great club they went to last night, it's just like high school. They like me enough to tell me after the fact, but not enough to invite me. And frankly, I'm not convinced of the former. And some people are just forgetful, and that's cool. But do you really forget the people you care about? Every time? No, I didn't think so. I went to a club over break. I dressed all wrong and (thanks to what happened on Halloween) I spent the entire time worrying that someone would rape me. If anyone noticed me at all, it was to point and laugh. Or to spot me as a potential victim. Either way, I wasn't zoomed in as someone that anyone would want to get to know better -- in *any* sense of the term. So how can I take more care about my appearance without sacrificing things I care about -- like, I don't know, heat, comfort, my abilty to keep to a budget, my classic style (which allows me to keep my clothing over more than one season)? And how do I stop caring if I absolutely detest being alone? Anybody?
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